Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
