I showed him my bush... on skype.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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