Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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