Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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