Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
