I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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