i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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