life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
