she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
