they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
