I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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