3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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