Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
