my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
