He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
