I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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