I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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