my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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