Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
