Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I need to sanitize my soul.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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