Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
