Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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