The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
