Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
