My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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