You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
