I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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