I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize