I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
