I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
