you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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