Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
