my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
