I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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