I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
