he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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