worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
