I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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