oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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