i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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