I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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