Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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