i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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