i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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