He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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