fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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