break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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