I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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