Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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