I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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