when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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