obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
