yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
