Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
