So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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