I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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