Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
