She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
