# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize