I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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