I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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