my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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