Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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