Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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