You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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