you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can text with my tongue
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
