He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
