I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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