Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
