The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
